Disclaimer: this post has virtually nothing to do with travels, Australia, or interesting experiences I have had. It occurs because Jamie's snoring kept me awake last night and I am grumpy. In my humble opinion, snoring is one of the absolute worst things in the world. It is a horrible sound, calling to mind a mixture of snot and choking, and occurs during one of the most peaceful times of day or night: sleep. Now, in the interest of honesty I must confess I am guilty of the occasional sleep transgressions. I talk in my sleep and steal blankets like its my job. However, I do NOT snore, and anyone who tries to tell my otherwise will get a stern talking to.
But back to my original point: Jamie snores. Fortunately not often, but he makes up for quantity with quality, if you can call it that and produces snores of such impressive decibels that I have been woken up by his nasal exclamations. I have chosen to deal with said issues in a variety of ways, which I was expound upon now. Feel free to use them upon any snoring relations of yours, I guarantee success.
1. The one-two punch. This is by far the most efficient way of stopping a snorer, though also the riskiest. It involves literally punching your sleeping partner, upon which they will wake up, surprised, and ideally, baffled as to why they woke up, roll over and continue to slumber peacefully and silently. Now I did say that it was risky, because you always run the risk of your sleeping partner waking up upon the punching, recognizing it as such, and accusing you. As you are probably the only other person in the bed, you won't be able to shift the blame, and will have to own up to the consequences of your actions. Another potential pitfall with this plan is that your sleeping partner may feel as though they are being attacked, and in their confused half-asleep state, seek revenge. Heads up.
2. The continued lean. I am partial to this method. Its subtle, effective, and reduces the odds that you will be in the receiving end of a half-awake punch in the face. This requires you gain a bit of purchase on the bed, wedge an elbow or shoulder into your sleeping partner and apply slow steady pressure until they shift enough to stop snoring. They may wake up, but if they do, its very easy to either feign sleep, or simply convert your wedging elbow into a snuggle arm.
3. The pincer move. This is a recent discovery, and one I am quite proud of. Its direct, humane, and allows one to continue whatever one may be doing whilst one's partner sleeps peacefully. I discovered this method while Jamie and I were watching Primary Colors. Not finding the Clinton allegory as interesting as I was, Jamie promptly fell sleep with his face mere inches from mine and began snoring loudly into my ear, drowning out John Travolta's poor attempt at Bill-esque sex appeal. I tried the continued lean, to no avail, contemplated the one-two punch, but couldn't bring myself to visit shock and pain upon my peacefully sleeping boyfriend. However, I couldn't hear Kathy Bates. At a loss, I reached out and pinched Jamie's nose. Silence. He continued breathing happily through his mouth and I heard every plot point. It should be mentioned that this method is not sustainable. Eventually, your peacefully slumbering partner will object to being manhandled and will begin to thrash around like a frightened shark. At this point, you must let go, or face the inevitable uncomfortable questions as to why you have a death grip on his or her schnozz.
Well there you have it. My patented anti-snoring devices. Stay tuned for more substantive posts when I am not sleep-deprived or hearing sinus orchestras ringing in my ears.
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